Saturday, April 13, 2013

My baby boy's 4th birthday

In the year 2009 on March 31st, I lost my son at 7months into my pregnancy with him. In 2006 I had a miscarriage in the first trimester of my pregnancy; I had not known what sex my baby was as it was too early to find out. It was an emotional experience for me with both losses. I remember both experiences as if they were etched in my mind, however, I feel stronger with each passing year…I feel  like; if I can navigate my way through something as painful as losing a baby twice, then I am truly a warrior in this life. This year my son would have been four years old, I also would have had a seven year old son or daughter. Those pregnancies were only meant to be spiritual for me; both my babies only existed in the spirit world. They came to me to teach me something, their presence changed my life in a way that I would never have imagined.

This year, I decided to take all of the mementos I received at the hospital where I gave birth to Samuel out of the little blue box I had kept them in since I left for home on that somber day. It is so beautiful today, the sunshine is pouring over me, lighting up my room with its brightness and I feel overjoyed at being alive. I feel overjoyed at the fact that I am ready to celebrate this huge step in my grieving process. I plan to purchase a brand new photo album and place all of my black and white photos of my son inside. I will choose something with vibrant colors to celebrate his life. The first photos I ever received of Samuel were ultrasound photos, when he was still alive and kicking away inside me.  I have pictures of his mouth yawning, his little legs, so perfectly shaped, and his profile which resembled his father so much. I also have cards from family and friends, the most beautiful picture created by my youngest daughter; Leilani. She drew Samuel, me, herself and her sister Kaiyah all together with heart shaped smiles. I treasure this picture drawn in crayon; it is so full of love.
 I will no longer feel that his life, his short journey of existence has to be kept inside of a blue box I received from the hospital where I had him. Thinking about this plan has made me feel so happy and more at peace. I know now so much that I didn’t know at the time this was happening in my life. I didn’t feel any peace, or happiness and I didn’t understand why this had to happen. I still don’t have all of the answers but I’m closer to healing than ever before and I just want to keep going in that direction.  It will be soothing to my spirit to devote something special to the memories of my baby boy.