In the year 2009 on March 31st, I lost my son at 7months
into my pregnancy with him. In 2006 I had a miscarriage in the first trimester
of my pregnancy; I had not known what sex my baby was as it was too early to
find out. It was an emotional experience for me with both losses. I remember
both experiences as if they were etched in my mind, however, I feel stronger
with each passing year…I feel like; if I
can navigate my way through something as painful as losing a baby twice, then I
am truly a warrior in this life. This year my son would have been four years
old, I also would have had a seven year old son or daughter. Those pregnancies
were only meant to be spiritual for me; both my babies only existed in the
spirit world. They came to me to teach me something, their presence changed my
life in a way that I would never have imagined.
This year, I decided to take all of the mementos I received
at the hospital where I gave birth to Samuel out of the little blue box I had
kept them in since I left for home on that somber day. It is so beautiful
today, the sunshine is pouring over me, lighting up my room with its brightness
and I feel overjoyed at being alive. I feel overjoyed at the fact that I am
ready to celebrate this huge step in my grieving process. I plan to purchase a
brand new photo album and place all of my black and white photos of my son
inside. I will choose something with vibrant colors to celebrate his life. The
first photos I ever received of Samuel were ultrasound photos, when he was still
alive and kicking away inside me. I have
pictures of his mouth yawning, his little legs, so perfectly shaped, and his
profile which resembled his father so much. I also have cards from family and
friends, the most beautiful picture created by my youngest daughter; Leilani.
She drew Samuel, me, herself and her sister Kaiyah all together with heart
shaped smiles. I treasure this picture drawn in crayon; it is so full of love.
I will no longer feel
that his life, his short journey of existence has to be kept inside of a blue
box I received from the hospital where I had him. Thinking about this plan has
made me feel so happy and more at peace. I know now so much that I didn’t know
at the time this was happening in my life. I didn’t feel any peace, or
happiness and I didn’t understand why this had to happen. I still don’t have
all of the answers but I’m closer to healing than ever before and I just want
to keep going in that direction. It will
be soothing to my spirit to devote something special to the memories of my baby
boy.
